Newborns And Relationships: When Couples Split

Having a baby is often portrayed as a 'happy ever after' scenario, but the reality can put a huge strain on even the most solid relationships. Research has shown that a fifth of couples break up in the year after having a baby, with the most common reasons being dwindling sex lives, a lack of communication, and constant arguments. The first year of parenthood is tough, and new parents might find themselves with very minimal support and no real opportunity to take a break. This can lead to a lack of intimacy and more frequent bickering.

Lack of communication

The arrival of a newborn can put a strain on even the most rock-solid relationships. One of the most common reasons for couples to separate is a lack of communication. In the early days of parenthood, it is easy to become overwhelmed and for communication and conflict resolution skills to be tested.

New parents may find themselves bickering more than usual, especially if one partner feels that the other is not pulling their weight with the baby or household chores. It is important to recognise that both parents are likely to be feeling overwhelmed and to approach the situation as a team.

Before the baby arrives, it is a good idea for couples to discuss how they will divide household and childcare duties. However, it is also important to be flexible and recognise that these plans may need to change once the baby is born. Regular check-ins can help to ensure that both partners are happy with the current arrangement and make any necessary adjustments.

It is also crucial for new parents to make time for each other and maintain their relationship outside of their new role as caregivers. This might involve sharing night feeds, making time for regular sex, or having regular date nights.

Tips for improving communication

• Process your feelings before discussing issues with your partner, and try to approach the conversation in a calm and controlled manner.
• Choose the right time to talk, and give your partner a heads-up about what you would like to discuss to avoid them feeling ambushed.
• Use "I" statements to express your feelings, rather than pointing the finger at your partner.
• Focus on listening to your partner's point of view, rather than treating the conversation as a debate or argument that you need to win.
• Make compromise and resolution the goal of your discussions.
• Set clear boundaries, such as deciding that any purchase over a certain amount must be discussed and approved by both partners.
• Leave notes for your partner to let them know your whereabouts and show that you are thinking of them.
• Check in with each other regularly throughout the day to take the "mood temperature" and ensure that any issues are addressed in a timely manner.

Common communication pitfalls to avoid

• The silent treatment. Instead, be assertive about your boundaries and communicate them explicitly to your partner.
• Bringing up past mistakes. Focus on the current issue rather than rehashing old arguments.
• Yelling or screaming. This can cause arguments to escalate and erode your partner's self-esteem.
• Stonewalling or walking away mid-argument, which leaves the conflict unresolved. If you need a break from the conversation, explain that you need a moment to collect yourself.
• Sarcasm and put-downs. Avoid inappropriate humour and try to make light-hearted jokes about yourself rather than your partner.
• Disrespectful nonverbal behaviour, such as checking your phone instead of making eye contact, which can make your partner feel disrespected.

Seeking professional help

If you are struggling to communicate effectively with your partner, consider seeking therapy or counselling to improve your communication and address any underlying issues.

Dwindling sex life

It is completely normal for couples with a newborn to experience a dwindling sex life. The arrival of a baby can bring about a host of changes, and it is common for intimacy to take a back seat during this time.

One of the primary reasons for a dwindling sex life after the birth of a child is exhaustion. The constant demands of caring for a newborn can leave parents, especially the primary caregiver, feeling physically and emotionally drained. The exhaustion, coupled with the stress of adjusting to newfound responsibilities, can result in a decreased sex drive and a lack of interest in physical intimacy.

Hormonal changes also play a significant role in a couple's dwindling sex life after childbirth. During the postpartum period, the body undergoes various hormonal shifts, which can lead to a decrease in libido and vaginal dryness, making sex uncomfortable or painful. These hormonal changes can also contribute to baby blues and postpartum depression, further impacting a person's desire for sexual activity.

Additionally, the physical changes that occur during and after pregnancy can affect an individual's body image and self-confidence. Some people may feel less attractive or struggle with body confidence issues, which can impact their sex life.

Breastfeeding can also present unique challenges to a couple's sex life. For some, breasts may no longer be viewed as an erogenous zone, and the tenderness and leaking associated with breastfeeding can make sexual activity more complicated.

The division of household chores and childcare responsibilities can also contribute to a dwindling sex life. If one partner feels that the workload is unevenly distributed, it can lead to resentment and a lack of desire for intimacy.

To mitigate the impact of these challenges, it is crucial for couples to communicate openly and honestly about their needs and desires. Seeking outside help, such as therapy or counselling, can also provide valuable support in navigating this new phase of their relationship. Prioritising self-care and personal well-being can also help individuals feel more connected to their sexual desires and improve their sex life.

It is important to remember that a dwindling sex life after the birth of a child is a common occurrence and should not be a cause for shame or worry. By addressing the underlying issues and making a conscious effort to reconnect, couples can work towards rekindling their intimacy and improving their sex life.

Unpreparedness for the newborn

Having a baby is often portrayed as a 'happy ever after' scenario, but the reality can put a huge strain on even the most rock-solid relationships. A 2021 study showed that, on average, relationship satisfaction fluctuates over time – and declines during the first 10 years of being together. However, throughout that trajectory, satisfaction is lower for parents than for non-parents.

Research has shown that the vast majority of relationships change after having a baby. The more children a couple has, the less likely they are to feel satisfied with their relationship. Mothers of infants, in particular, are the least happy: 38% of married mothers have high satisfaction, compared to 62% of married women without children.

Lack of preparation

While most parents-to-be prepare financially for their new arrival, they seldom consider emotionally preparing their relationship too. This lack of preparation can lead to a host of issues, including a lack of communication, dwindling sex lives, and constant arguments.

Navigating matrescence

One of the first challenges that new parents face is navigating matrescence, or the process of becoming a mother. This can be a difficult transition for women, as their world, life, and perspective are thrown completely upside down. They must forge a new identity while dealing with sleep deprivation, often loneliness, and the stress of having no idea what they're doing.

Child development

Another challenge for new parents is navigating the stages of child development, often on little-to-no sleep. This can be especially difficult for first-time parents who haven't spent much time around kids before having their own. The reality of parenting can come as a rude shock, as they realize that it's not all coos and cuddles, but also involves a lot of hard work and sleepless nights.

The mental load

One of the biggest challenges for new parents is figuring out how to explain the mental load to their partner. The mental load refers to the invisible labour of household management, such as meal planning, scheduling appointments, and remembering birthdays and anniversaries. This often falls disproportionately on women, leading to feelings of resentment and unfairness.

Unmet expectations

Unmet expectations can also contribute to relationship strain. For example, one partner may expect the other to take on the majority of the childcare and household duties, while the other partner may expect a more equal division of labour. This can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration on both sides.

Postpartum depression

Postpartum depression or mood disorders can also impact one or both partners, affecting their emotional well-being and relationship dynamics. This can be exacerbated by a lack of support, both practical and emotional, from friends and family.

Different parenting styles

Differences in parenting styles can further contribute to relationship strain. For example, one parent may favour a more relaxed, hands-off approach, while the other may be more strict and regimented. This can lead to arguments and disagreements about how to raise the child, with both parents feeling like they're not being supported by the other.

In conclusion, unpreparedness for the newborn can have a significant impact on a couple's relationship, leading to a host of issues that can ultimately lead to a split. It is important for expectant parents to consider not just the financial aspects of having a baby, but also the emotional and practical implications, and to ensure that they are on the same page when it comes to navigating the challenges of parenthood.

Unfair division of household labour

The arrival of a newborn can be a stressful time for couples, and an unequal division of household labour can further add to the strain on the relationship. Research suggests that even when women work outside the home, they still take on more of the household load, which can negatively impact their mental health, as well as that of their partner, and the state of their relationship.

Stress and Overload

The stress and overload of juggling a full-time job, childcare, and household duties can lead to burnout, especially when the division of labour is unequal. This can result in a constant state of exhaustion and a feeling of being stretched too thin, as described by a mother in one account.

"Mom Brain"

The mental load of managing a household and childcare can lead to what is commonly referred to as "mom brain", characterised by fogginess and forgetfulness. While this may be partially attributed to biological changes, the constant mental juggling of tasks and responsibilities can certainly contribute to a feeling of being "out of it".

Coordinator of the Chaos

When one partner takes on the majority of household duties and childcare, they may feel overwhelmed and burdened by the responsibility of coordinating everything. This can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, especially if their efforts go unrecognised or are taken for granted.

Feeling Abandoned

An unequal division of labour can lead to feelings of abandonment, as one partner may feel that their efforts or contributions are not valued or appreciated by the other. This can create a sense of isolation and loneliness, even within the context of a relationship.

Sleep Issues

The mental and physical load of managing a household can lead to sleep issues, such as "momsomnia" or "revenge bedtime procrastination", where parents, particularly mothers, sacrifice sleep to catch up on leisure activities or simply have some time to themselves. This can have detrimental effects on health and well-being.

Loss of Identity

When women take on the majority of household duties, they may lose sight of their hobbies and interests, as their lives become consumed by domestic responsibilities. This can lead to a loss of identity and a sense of being defined solely by their role as a mother or homemaker.

Impact on Career

The unequal division of household labour can also have economic consequences, as women who take on more domestic responsibilities may be perceived as less committed to their careers. This can result in a "motherhood penalty", with women earning less and facing challenges in advancing their careers.

Solutions

To address the unequal division of household labour, it is important for couples to have open and honest conversations about their expectations and responsibilities. Seeking outside help, such as from family or paid childcare, can also alleviate some of the burden. Additionally, challenging traditional gender norms and societal expectations can help create a more equal partnership where both individuals share the load.

Postpartum depression

PPD typically arises within the first one to three weeks after childbirth and may affect up to 15% of women. It is characterised by persistent feelings of depression, shame, guilt, panic, and mood swings. It can also cause a loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, constant fatigue, changes in eating habits and weight, and difficulties with sleeping and concentration. PPD may even lead to thoughts of self-harm or harming the baby.

If left untreated, PPD can have detrimental effects on both the mother and the baby. Mothers may neglect their own health, struggle to bond with their baby, and face challenges with breastfeeding. Untreated PPD can also impact the baby's medical care, increasing the risk of learning, behavioural, and developmental problems in the child later in life.

The causes of PPD are not fully understood but are believed to be associated with various factors. These include genetic predisposition, hormonal changes after pregnancy, low thyroid hormone levels, stress, and certain life circumstances such as low income or a history of abuse.

To prevent and treat PPD, certain forms of counselling, such as cognitive behavioural therapy and interpersonal therapy, are recommended. Support groups, medication, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle with proper rest, nutrition, and exercise can also help. It is crucial for new mothers to seek help from their healthcare providers, support systems, and partners to effectively manage PPD and ensure the well-being of both themselves and their babies.

Frequently asked questions